Tuesday, October 14, 2014

What loving the self, could look like.

 It's common that many spiritual teachers, praise the idea of 'loving the self'.  Of course there are many benefits to this sort of phenomena, for example self confidence and perhaps even happiness in ones own skin.

It is definitely one of the most interesting things of the human experience.  Although, despite people's attempts to love themselves, it becomes more a badgering than actually a self discipline.  "I need to love myself, why don't I love myself? Why is it so easy for others to love themselves? What is wrong with me? Something is wrong with me? I am pathetic, I am useless, it's hopeless, I am hopeless"  It turns into a self sabotaging mission at best, in some cases, which is quite ironic and contradictory to begin with.

It might be that 'self love' is something that perhaps we are conditioned to do as children, how we perceive others' relationships to themselves, and how we often mimic that.

 The past 6 months have been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me in terms of a mix between my personal life and just essentially non-stop to-dos and work for school.  And sometimes the focus on math and science, is a little hard, for the self-identified artist within me. The colorful adventurer, humanist and empath.  I'm getting through it, and it's definitely a learning experience, but it doesn't mean that there are always no rocks to stumble over on the way.

Two days ago I decided to start a gratitude journal -- I feel like its one of those things you know is always a good thing to do, but for whatever reason, its not done,  not sure what  shifted this time, but I finally committed to it.  And, surprisingly I can see already such a big shift in the way I view my current reality.

My gratitude journal was started by watching this video  http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work?language=en

I committed to writing for 21 days, 3 new things to be grateful each day, and 1 journal entry about a happy event that happened in the day.  I noticed that I had fallen into this thought trap -- "Once I'm done with school I can start my life, and then I can be happy."  -- although I have done that my whole life, ... "Once I start school I will be happy, or once I do this or that then I will be.... "

Yesterday a realization suddenly hit,  "what am I doing?"  Big things, can never actually make us happy.  They are merely the (thought/ephemeral) container(s) for the experiences we have on a day to day basis.  It's the small things on a day to day basis that make us happy.  A realization, an interaction with a sweet animal, a smile from a stranger, a clean home, fresh food to eat.   It struck me, that I've been living in this world of --- 'If only I was this way,' or 'if only I could do what I wanted' or' go where I wanted' or start 'this' or that.'

Yet, even when all those things are in order (if ever)... I'll still have a daily schedule... I'll still have to dos,  I'll still have mornings and evenings... and shared moments and alone moments.. nothing really changes.

The present is the only thing that we can base our truth and happiness after. Everything else is just a thought. Even the 'self' to some extent is a seemingly temporary structure that seems to have varying degrees of boundaries, identifications, expansiveness and contractedness -- all of which seem to almost be haphazard, as to how we feel and what we have energy to learn and do and create. I'm coming to think its also just a container for the truth -- which is actually only the present moment.